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Going To Hell In A Very Stylish Handbasket.

"El diablo sabes mas por viejo que por diablo" - old Mexican proverb

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Achtung! Das machine ist nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengraben. Ist easy schnappen der pringenwerk, blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen, das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in der pockets, relaxen und watchen der blinkenlights.

links:
Tom Paine
The Nation
Think Progress
Bush or Chimp?
Landover Baptist Church
The White House
The Onion
Ernie's House of Whoop Ass
Project for the New American Century
Project for the Old American Century
Project for the New American Empire
All Hat, No Cattle
Unfairly Balanced
Buck Fush

That does it. If the west is going to get drier and the water levels are going to rise, I'm going up into the mountains where it rains a lot. In other words, I'm moving to Portland.

Study predicts more severe U.S. storms

WASHINGTON, Associated Press - As the world warms, the United States will face more severe thunderstorms with deadly lightning, damaging hail and the potential for tornadoes, a trailblazing study by NASA scientists suggests.

While other research has warned of broad weather changes on a large scale, like more extreme hurricanes and droughts, the new study predicts even smaller events like thunderstorms will be more dangerous because of global warming.

The basic ingredients for whopper U.S. inland storms are likely to be more plentiful in a warmer, moister world, said lead author Tony Del Genio, a NASA research scientist.

And when that happens, watch out.

"The strongest thunderstorms, the strongest severe storms and tornadoes are likely to happen more often and be stronger," Del Genio said in an interview Thursday from his office at the Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York. The paper he co-authored was published online this month in the journal Geophysical Research Letters.

Other scientists caution that this area of climate research is too difficult and new for this study to be definitive. But some upcoming studies also point in the same direction.

With a computer model, Del Genio explores an area that most climate scientists have avoided. Simple thunderstorms are too small for their massive models of the world's climate. So Del Genio looked at the forces that combine to make thunderstorms.

A unique combination of geography and weather patterns already makes the United States the world's hottest spot for tornadoes and severe storms in spring and summer. The large land mass that warms on hot days, the contours of the atmosphere's jet stream, the wind coming off the Rocky Mountains and warm moist air coming up from the Gulf of Mexico all combine.

Del Genio's computer model shows global warming will mean more strong updrafts, when the wind moves up and down instead of sideways.

"The consequences of stronger updrafts are more lightning and bigger hail," he said.

On a normal sunny day, updrafts are less than 1 mile per hour. In a big rainstorm that is not severe, it's about 2 mph. In a severe storm they could be 20 to 30 mph. The faster that updraft, the worse the storms.

The Southeast and Midwest lie in the path of most of the most dangerous of these storms.

However, the new study also forecasts danger for the Western United States. It predicts lightning will increase about 6 percent as the amount of carbon dioxide — the chief global warming gas — doubles.

Previous studies have shown that the West will get drier, making it a tinderbox for more wildfires. This study shows that there will be more matches in the form of lightning strikes to start those fires, Del Genio said.

One general benefit of global warming is decreased wind shear, which is the speed of side-to-side wind as the altitude rises, Del Genio said. That would moderate the effects of updrafts.

However, during certain times of the year and under the right conditions in the Midwest and Southeast, wind shear will increase. Combine wind shear and updrafts, and damaging winds result, the scientist said.

Other pending and recent research, especially from the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, point in the same general direction, said several scientists who weren't involved in Del Genio's study. But they said research in this area is so new that the NASA study is not the final word.

"It's certainly a plausible result," said Leo Donner, a climate modeling scientist at NOAA's Geophysical Fluid Dynamics Lab in Princeton, N.J. Donner earlier this year came out with a study predicting more heavy rain as temperatures rise.

Harold Brooks, a top scientist at NOAA's severe storms laboratory in Norman, Okla., has soon-to-be-published studies finding results similar to the new NASA study, especially when it comes to hail. Some of the severe hail that should be increasing could be baseball-sized and come down at 100 mph, "falling like a major league fastball," he said.

He said it's not possible to predict more tornadoes will result from climate change, however.

Jerry Mahlman, who used to be NOAA's top climate model expert, said that a decade ago then-Vice President Al Gore asked if global warming could cause more tornadoes. Then as now, Mahlman said that's something that's just too detailed to derive from complex climate models.

...just like "the little people". Funny how you can't take it with you, huh Leona? Fat lot of good your years of dodgy accounting does you now, bitch.

'Queen of mean' hotelier Helmsley dies

NEW YORK, Associated Press - Leona Helmsley, the cutthroat hotel magnate whose title as the "queen of mean" was sealed during a tax evasion case in which she was quoted as snarling "only little people pay taxes," died Monday at age 87. Helmsley died of heart failure at her summer home in Greenwich, Conn., said her publicist, Howard Rubenstein.

Already experienced in real estate before her marriage, Helmsley helped her husband run a $5 billion empire that included managing the Empire State Building. She became a household name in 1989 when she was tried for tax evasion. The sensational trial included testimony from disgruntled employees who said she terrorized both the menial and the executive help at her homes and hotels.

That image of Helmsley as the "queen of mean" was sealed when a former housekeeper testified that she heard Helmsley say: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

Helmsley denied having said it, but the words followed her for the rest of her life.

She clearly enjoyed the luxury of her private fortune, flying the globe in a 100-seat jet with a bedroom suite. She and her husband's residences included a nine-room penthouse with a swimming pool overlooking Central Park atop their own Park Lane Hotel; an $8 million estate in Connecticut; a condo in Palm Beach; and a mountaintop hideaway near Phoenix.

"Leona Helmsley was definitely one of a kind," said Donald Trump, whose rivalry with the Helmsleys made headlines in the 1990s. "Harry loved being with her and the excitement she brought, and that is all that really matters."

The Helmsleys' financial excesses overshadowed millions in contributions for medical research and other causes. In recent years, she contributed $25 million to New York Presbyterian Hospital, $5 million to Katrina relief and $5 million after Sept. 11 to help the families of firefighters.

Yet Helmsley nickel-and-dimed merchants on her personal purchases, stiffed contractors who worked on her Connecticut home and terrorized both menial and executive help at her homes and hotels, detractors say.

"The puzzling thing, he said, is that the melting is actually occurring faster than computer climate models have predicted."

Arctic sea ice shrinks to record low

WASHINGTON, Associated Press - There was less sea ice in the Arctic on Friday than ever before on record, and the melting is continuing, the National Snow and Ice Data Center reported.

"Today is a historic day," said Mark Serreze, a senior research scientist at the center. "This is the least sea ice we've ever seen in the satellite record and we have another month left to go in the melt season this year."

Satellite measurements showed 2.02 million square miles of ice in the Arctic, falling below the Sept. 21, 2005, record minimum of 2.05 million square miles, the agency said.

Seriously, people, how the fuck is any of this a surprise? You spend like money is going out of style, your backup plan is "I'll sell at a profit", and the government and private sectors both stick their fingers in their ears and shout "lalalalalalalala" whenever the alarm bells go off...

Will Wall St troubles lead to recession?

WASHINGTON, Associated Press - The stock market is on a stomach-churning ride, the nation's once high-flying housing market is sinking deeper into gloom, and credit, the lifeblood of the economy, is drying up.

If consumers get nervous enough, many economists believe, all of these troubles could become the perfect storm that will plunge the country into a recession.

And the odds seem to be increasing with every new turbulent day on Wall Street. Since setting a record close of 14,000.41 just a month ago, the Dow Jones industrial average has shed 1,154.63 points in a string of triple-digit losing days that have raised anxiety levels not just on Wall Street but on Main Street.

Traders got a jolt of optimism Friday morning when the Federal Reserve announced a half-percentage point cut in a key interest rate. The Fed's action — dropping its discount rate on loans to banks to 5.75 percent — was the biggest move yet in the central bank's efforts to restore calm.

The markets have been pummeled by a rapidly spreading credit crisis that began with rising defaults in subprime mortgages — home loans made to people with weak credit histories. And the problems are spreading to other borrowers.

Countrywide Financial Corp., the nation's largest mortgage banker, was forced to borrow $11.5 billion on Thursday so it could keep making home loans. It was a move that rattled investors who have watched a number of smaller mortgage companies go under because of credit problems.

The shockwaves have extended to giant Wall Street investment firms such as Goldman Sachs, which announced earlier this week that it was pumping $2 billion into one of its struggling hedge funds. BNP Paribas, France's largest bank, last week froze three funds that had invested in the troubled U.S. mortgage market.

The Federal Reserve and other central banks, responding to the widening credit problems, have infused the banking system with billions of dollars in an effort to keep short-term interest rates from surging and making credit even more difficult to obtain.

However, those billions have not succeeded in calming investors who are worried about which big hedge fund or mortgage company will be the next to announce serious problems. For that reason, investors have become fearful to supply money through credit markets to companies even if they have strong credit records.

"There is just a lot of fear out there," said David Wyss, chief economist at Standard & Poor's in New York. "Right now people are so scared that we are losing liquidity even on safe securities."

The credit crunch and market turmoil have increased the chances of a recession, many economists believe, from about one in six just a few weeks ago to one in three now.

And there was zero oversite because.... ?

Pentagon Paid $998,798 to Ship Two 19-Cent Washers

Aug. 16 (Bloomberg) -- A small South Carolina parts supplier collected about $20.5 million over six years from the Pentagon for fraudulent shipping costs, including $998,798 for sending two 19-cent washers to an Army base in Texas, U.S. officials said.

The company also billed and was paid $455,009 to ship three machine screws costing $1.31 each to Marines in Habbaniyah, Iraq, and $293,451 to ship an 89-cent split washer to Patrick Air Force Base in Cape Canaveral, Florida, Pentagon records show.

The owners of C&D Distributors in Lexington, South Carolina -- twin sisters -- exploited a flaw in an automated Defense Department purchasing system: bills for shipping to combat areas or U.S. bases that were labeled ``priority'' were usually paid automatically, said Cynthia Stroot, a Pentagon investigator.

Karl Rove to leave White House

WASHINGTON, Associated Press - Karl Rove, the political mastermind behind President Bush's races for the White House and an adviser with unparalleled influence over the past 6 1/2 turbulent years, announced his resignation Monday, ending a partnership stretching back more than three decades.

It was a major loss for Bush as he heads into the twilight of his presidency, battered in the polls, facing a hostile Democratic Congress and waging an unpopular war. A half dozen other senior advisers have left in recent months, forcing the White House to rebuild its staff at the same time the president is running out of influence.

"I'll be on the road behind you here in a little bit," said a rueful Bush, announcing the departure alongside Rove on the White House South Lawn. Bush leaves office Jan. 20, 2009.

(TGH(tm) editorial NOTE: Not fuckin' soon enough, Sparky!)

Bush nicknamed Rove "the architect" and "boy genius" for successfully plotting two national election strategies and helping strengthen Republican majorities in Congress in 2002 and 2004.

Critics derisively called him "Bush's brain." During Bush's presidency, he has been one of Washington's most powerful and controversial figures.

142 Questions for Christians

(From Pendragon's website at http://st09.startlogic.com/~pendrago/questions-christians.html)

NOTE: This page assumes that you are a Christian who claims to believe the Bible.

"If there be any mistake in the Bible, there may well be a thousand. If there be one falsehood in that book, it did not come from the God of truth."

— John Wesley (July 24, 1776)

1. Have you ever read the entire Bible, cover to cover? Why not? If you haven't read the whole thing, why do you claim to believe that every word of it is true?

Think about it ... your Heavenly Father, the creator of the entire universe, who sent his only Son to die for your sins ... has written only one book, just for you ... and you've never even read it!

2. The Bible orders you to kill witches; it is the explicit, unequivocal commandment of your God (Exodus 22:18; Leviticus 20:27). And no, I'm not "taking those verses out of context;" go ahead and look them up. I'll wait.

I am a witch ... a card-carrying pentagram-wearing circle-casting Tarot-card-reading Sabbat-celebrating witch (merry meet!). If we met, and I assured you that I am in fact a witch (I'll swear to it on your Bible if you like), would you kill me? If not, why not? You should obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). Are there any other parts of the Bible that you routinely disobey? Does this mean that you have a rebellious spirit, and need to repent?

Or does it perhaps mean that you obey only the easy commandments of God ("Love thy neighbor") and ignore the commandments that might get you into trouble?

How would you like it if MY holy book ordered me to kill Christians ("Thou shalt not suffer a Bible-thumper to live")? Would it make you a little bit nervous if we got into the same elevator?

3. In Genesis 22, God ordered Abraham to kill his own child. If God gave you a personal, direct order to kill your own child, would you obey Him? If not, why not? Surely you don't think you're smarter than Abraham, do you?

And by the way, if you DID receive such an order (from a booming, disembodied voice emanating from the sky), how would you verify that it was really God, and not a trick (I hope that you would be just the least little bit skeptical if you heard such a voice)?

What if your God didn't order you to murder your own son, but ordered you to do something else that you knew was morally wrong. What if God ordered you to kill yourself? Or if he ordered you to have sexual intercourse with a seven-year-old girl?

4. Do you believe that rabbits chew cud? Your God does ... he said it twice (Leviticus 11:6, Deuteronomy 14:6-7).

5. Are you aware that the Old Testament contains absolutely no descriptions of the afterlife — either heaven OR hell? Why do you think this is?

6. Mark 16:18 says that if a Christian drinks deadly poison, it won't hurt him at all. Are you a Christian? If I gave you some poison, would you drink it? Ready to put your money where your mouth is? Ready to "step out in faith?"

7. Do you believe that God creates evil, as the Bible states (Isaiah 45:7, KJV)? If you believe this, why do you worship Him?

8. I read in Matthew 2:23 that it was spoken by the prophets that "He [Jesus] shall be called a Nazarene." Can you find this prophecy in the Old Testament for me, please, or in any other writing that existed prior to 31 AD?

9. Joshua 10:12ff tells a story about God making the sun "stand still" overhead for about a day. This would certainly have been noticed by every human being on earth. Do you ever wonder why there are no other accounts of this event, anywhere, in non-Biblical historical writings?

10. Ecclesiastes 1:4 says that the earth will last forever; II Peter 3:10 says that it won't. Which do you believe?

11. Genesis 6:19 tells us that God ordered Noah to take one pair of each animal into the ark. Genesis 7:2 tells us that God ordered Noah to take seven of every clean beast and two of every unclean beast. Which do you believe?

12. Ecclesiastes 1:18 says that wisdom brings grief; Ecclesiastes 8:1 says that wisdom causes one's face to shine. Which statement do you believe?

13. II Kings 2:11 says that Elijah ascended to heaven in a whirlwind. John 3:13 says that nobody before Jesus ever ascended into heaven. Which statement do you believe?

14. Do you believe that a stubborn and rebellious son should be executed in public? Your God does (Deuteronomy 21:18ff).

15. Do you believe that a medium or spiritist should be killed? Your God does (Leviticus 20:27).

16. Do you believe that people who commit adultery deserve to die? Your God does (Leviticus 20:10).

17. Do you support the death penalty for homosexuality? Your God does (Leviticus 20:13).

18. The Bible is an extremely bloodthirsty book. It specifies, over and over, whole categories of people who should be killed (including children who curse their parents ... Exodus 21:17). Are you aware that Silver Ravenwolf has written many books on Wicca, and that none of them recommends the killing of anyone?

19. Do you hate your mother and father? Jesus said that if you don't, you can't be his disciple (Luke 14:26). Are you disqualified from being a Christian? Isn't it time for you to repent of your sin of being a mother-lover?

20. Do you believe that anyone has ever seen God? Isaiah said he did (Isaiah 6:1); but John said (twice) that nobody has ever seen God at any time (I John 4:12; John 1:18). Who's lying, John or Isaiah?

21. Exodus 20:5 says that God will punish a child for his father's sin (see also Jeremiah 16:10-11); but Ezekiel 18:20 says he won't. Which do you believe?

22. Do you believe that you can be saved (go to heaven after you die) if you don't believe in the virgin birth of Jesus? Are you aware that two of the four gospels [i.e., Mark and John] don't mention the virgin birth at all? Are you aware that (a) there is good reason to believe that the word translated "virgin" in Isaiah 7:14 doesn't mean "virgin," and (b) Isaiah 7:14 is the only Old Testament verse that "prophesies" the virgin birth of anybody?

And have you ever wondered why Jesus himself never once mentioned his virgin birth, in all his teachings?

[The Hebrew word in Isaiah 7:14 that's mistranslated "virgin" is ???? (which means "young woman"). It carries with it no indication, either way, about the young woman's sexual experience. The Hebrew word that specifically means "virgin" is ?????, a word that we know Isaiah was familiar with, since he used it four different times - (a) Isaiah 23:12, (b) Isaiah 37:22, (c) Isaiah 47:1, and (d) Isaiah 62:5.]

23. Do you have faith in God? Does your faith express itself in love? Are you aware that the Bible says that the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love (Galatians 5:6)?

24. Do you believe that a snake can talk (Genesis 3:1)? It doesn't have lips. How does it make the "w" sound?

25. Are you aware that Jesus threatened to murder children (Revelation 2:23)? Does this change your opinion about him? If not, what would it take to change your opinion about Jesus?

Of course, his Father [Big God, one of the other members of the Trinity] also threatened to kill children. See Hosea 9:16.

Here's what Jehovah God Almighty (the deity to whom your child prays his bedtime prayers each night) says in his book:

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

— God (Psalm 137:9)

Do you, like God, ever want to throw human babies against rocks? Would doing so make you happy, as God predicts? Would you want this hideous Bible verse taught to your child in Sunday School? In a children's Bible, how do you think this verse should be illustrated? Please take a minute and do a quick sketch to illustrate Psalm 137:9 for my son.

And please explain to me your theory of how the mysterious omniscient almightiness of God could transform this detestable verse into anything other than what it is (i.e., an absolute obscenity).

And please, PLEASE explain to me how you can believe (a) that the Bible is true and (b) that the God of the Bible is not a despicable disgusting repugnant psychotic bastard fiend.

26. Do you believe that there's any Bible verse that applies to abortion? Which verse(s)? Do you believe that "abortion is murder?" If so, would you kill a doctor who was about to perform an abortion, in order to defend the "life" of the fetus? Do you think that would be justifiable homicide? Do you believe there are any circumstances where abortion is permissible? What circumstances? Rape? Incest? To save the life of the mother? If abortion is murder, why would these special circumstances make any difference — why would they make it okay to kill a helpless fetus? And please give a specific Bible verse to justify your position that abortion is permissible if it causes the death of an innocent baby who is the result of a rape.

Let's suppose it's 1888, and we're all living in Austria. Adolf Hitler's mother has just found out she's pregnant, and she's on her way to the (secret) abortion clinic. You and your foaming-at-the-mouth anti-abortion folks have two options: (1) hold a huge rally, block her path, and prevent her from getting an abortion; or (2) do nothing (i.e., mind your own business) — and the birth of a mass-murdering monster will be prevented (and you'll save the lives of six million innocent Jews). What would you do?

27. Can you show me a single Bible verse that condemns the practice of slavery? If you were God, would you have written the Bible to include a commandment against slavery? If not, why not? Do you believe that slavery is an acceptable institution? Your God obviously does. He wrote an entire book of picky little rules (including a prohibition against boiling a goat in its mother's milk - Exodus 23:19), but never condemned slavery!

In fact, in Exodus 21:7ff, God gives instructions on how a father can sell his own daughter into slavery. If I followed this Biblical teaching, would you want to be friends with me? Would you let your children come over to my house to play with my children (the remaining children that I hadn't sold into slavery)?

The best-selling book in history ... authored by the creator of the universe ... and it never condemns pedophilia, child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. In fact, Biblegod endorses the beating of children (Proverbs 22:15). Here is God's opportunity to give us a definitive moral guide for living, to tell us not to beat up children, to tell us that men and women should have equal rights ... but he says the exact opposite. Women are second-class citizens in God's eyes. Isn't the Bible out of step with (a) modern times and (b) common-sense morality ... you know, the kind that comes instinctively to a mentally-retarded seven-year-old?

And while the Infinite All-Knowing Mind of God was dispensing wisdom ... couldn't he have told those guys back in 950 BCE some really useful stuff? Like what causes tooth decay? How about the germ theory of disease? Maybe a warning about cholesterol? Some rudimentary instructions on the manufacture of penicillin? Couldn't he have told them that the earth revolves around the sun ... that it's not flat? Maybe some clear guidance about abortion ... when (if ever) is it okay? When is it NOT okay? What's the age of consent for sexual activity? What are the exceptions to the hearsay rule?

28. And are you aware that not only does the Bible NOT condemn slavery, it specifically allows it — even giving rules on how to buy slaves, and how they should be treated? See Leviticus 25:44, Exodus 21:2, and Ephesians 6:5. Would you vote for a President who stated publicly that he agrees with this clear, unequivocal doctrine of the Bible (i.e., the acceptability of slavery)?

29. James 2:20 says that faith without works is DEAD. Ephesians 2:8-9 says that we are SAVED by faith without works. Which do you believe? Is FWOW dead, or does it save us?

And by the way ... can one be saved by works without faith? The Bible clearly says that one can (Ezekiel 18:21-22) ... and clearly says that one can't (Ephesians 2:8-9). Which do you believe?

30. James 2:21 says that Abraham was righteous because of his works; Genesis 15:6 says that Abraham was righteous because he believed God. Which do you think is true? Was Abraham righteous because of works, or faith?

31. We know for a fact that Lot was a righteous man, because the Bible says so (II Peter 2:7). We also know for a fact that Lot got drunk, fucked his own daughters (Genesis 19:31ff), and got them both pregnant. If I did this to my daughters, would you tell people that I was a righteous man?

What if I ate rabbit meat (Deuteronomy 14:7)? We know damn well that's a sin !!!

32. Have you ever prayed to your God and not gotten what you asked for? Have you ever prayed to your God and asked for something worthwhile (such as healing for a sick relative), but still didn't get what you asked for? Are you aware that the Bible says this is evidence of your lack of faith (Matthew 7:7-8, 21:22)? Why haven't you ever asked your all-powerful God to eradicate cancer or AIDS? Do you think he'd do it? Why haven't you asked him to stop the genocide in Darfur? Or to strike George Bush dead?

33. II Thessalonians 2:11-12 says that God sends a powerful delusion to certain people, causing them to believe a lie, so that they will be condemned (i.e., spend eternity suffering in hell). Isn't this, frankly, immoral? Isn't this what Christians accuse Satan (the father of lies - John 8:44) of doing? If you were God, would you cause people to believe a lie? Why?

34. Do you believe that prayer should be allowed in public schools? Are you aware that Jesus himself specifically commanded people not to pray in public (Matthew 6:5-6)?

Christian Beliefs

10. You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods of other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9. You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created out of dirt.

8. You laugh at polytheists, but have no trouble believing in a three-in-one God.

7. You're outraged when you hear about terroristic acts committed by Moslem extremists, but you don't even flinch when God slaughters all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and orders the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua."

6. You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek myths about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life, and ascended into the sky.

5. You are willing to spend your life looking for loopholes in the scientifically-established age of Earth (a few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents who guessed that the Earth is a few thousand years old.

4. You believe the entire population of this planet, with the exception of those that share your beliefs, will spend eternity in a hell of infinite suffering, and yet you tell people that your religion (1) is the only true religion and (2) is "tolerant" and "loving."

3. While modern science, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you of anything, some idiot rolling around on the floor and "speaking in tongues" is evidence of the validity of Christianity.

2. You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers, and you tell us that the 99.99% failure rate was simply the will of God.

1. You actually know a lot less than a Pagan does about the Bible, Christianity, and church history ... but you still call yourself a Christian.

35. Are you aware that the Bible unequivocally commands — twice — that women are not allowed to speak in church? Has your pastor ever preached a sermon on this obviously important Scriptural principle? Does the pastor of your church enforce this commandment? Are there any other areas of your life in which you are rebelling against the Lord? If you are a female, are you ready to repent of your sin of speaking in church, and turn back to the Lord?

If you were the pastor of a church, and it was Sunday morning, and you caught a woman in your church violating this commandment, how would you handle it? What would you say to her?

By the way, Christians are famous for engaging in the most amazing, dishonest acrobatics/contortions of logic in trying to avoid the clear, plain, obvious meaning of the "women-have-to-shut-up-in-church" verses (and other verses that show that the author of the Bible is really some male chauvinist non-deity like Moses). The "standard" apologetics are: (a) not meant for modern times; (b) there are other verses that indicate that women taught and/or were actually apostles in the early church; (c) you're taking it out of context. Some of the greatest entertainment in the world is watching Christians do furious backflips trying to explain these embarrassing "non-PC" Bible passages.

36. Deuteronomy 13:1-5 states that anyone who preaches a God other than your God should be put to death. PLEASE tell me that you disagree with your God on this point.

And if you agree with our Heavenly Father about Deuteronomy 13:1-5, please send me an email so that I can give you the names and addresses of some people that your God definitely wants you to kill. And let me know if you need to borrow a gun (and specify the caliber, please. Currently available are a .38 revolver and a nice bolt-action .30-'06 with a scope. And a 16-gauge shotgun).

And since we're already in the 13th chapter of Deuteronomy, let's keep on reading.

Deuteronomy 13:6-10 orders an ancient Israelite to rat out his brother — his daughter — his wife — his friend — if one of them advocates worshipping another god. If you were an ancient Israelite, and your eight-year-old son casually suggested following a different religion (don't tell me this thought hasn't occurred to YOU once or twice), would you turn him in to the authorities, knowing that he would be sentenced to death? Is God starting to remind you of Adolf Hitler? Are you starting to notice that your Holy Bible contains a large number of "death orders?"

37. The Bible tells us that the Israelites wandered in the Sinai desert for 40 years, and that most of them died there (Numbers 14:20-24). Using the census numbers from Exodus and Numbers, that means that approximately two million people died in 40 years in a relatively small area (and we know where it is). Are you aware that there is absolutely no archaeological evidence of those people having been in this part of the world? How do you explain this?

38. The Bible promises that God will meet ALL your needs (Philippians 4:19). Do you carry insurance? Why do you think you need it? Don't you believe what the Bible says? Is a promise from God not good enough for you?

39. Do you believe in evolution? Are you aware that the DNA of a bonobo (a primate) is 98.4% identical to yours (hell, in some states, that's high enough to establish paternity)? If God created everything, why do you think he created you almost exactly like a hairy jungle primate? Are you aware that your skeletal system is pretty much identical to that of a bird, or a dog, or a cat, or a rat — an arm that has a radius and an ulna; carpal and metacarpal bones; a scapula; ribs; a sternum; a pelvis; tibia and fibula bones in the legs; the whole framework covered by a system of muscles and skin tissues; bilateral symmetry; a blood/circulatory system that's powered by a heart? Is your God simply lacking in imagination, that he created most of the warm-blooded animals using exactly the same basic design? Or is there perhaps the tiniest possibility that we all evolved from a lower life form?

40. John 7:38 quotes Jesus as saying, "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." In 31 AD, the Scripture (being the Old Testament only ... the New Testament hadn't been written, of course) said no such thing. What exactly was Jesus talking about?

And did you know that Jesus contradicted himself ... in two statements that are recorded in the same book of the Bible?

(1) "Jesus answered and said unto them, though I bear record [marturia] of myself, yet my record [marturia] IS TRUE." (John 8:14)

Marturia means "bear witness" (NAS) or "testify" (NIV, NRSV), and it's the same word used in John 5:31, where Jesus says,

(2) "If I bear witness [marturia] of myself, my witness [marturia] IS NOT TRUE."

So tell me, based on the statements of Jesus himself ... if he bears witness of himself, is it true, or not true?

41. Genesis 5:27 says that Methuselah lived 969 years. Honestly now ... do you believe this? What do you think his family gave him for his 762nd birthday? Surely he had enough neckties and cologne.

Genocide at Midian

42. In Numbers 31:1-18, God commanded the Israelites to kill the Midianites — all except the female virgins, whom the Israelites were to "save for themselves." If your son were in the Army, and he murdered defenseless civilians, but spared the women so that he and his friends could gang-rape them, what would you think of him? Would it make you proud? Would you brag about him to your friends at church? "Yep, Jeff is a good boy ... killed lots of Iraqis, and then raped some Iraqi girls ... wanna see the pictures he sent us?"

Interestingly enough, the Israelites weren't even at war with the Midianites at the time (and hadn't been at any time in the past) — they were just living in Midian as guests.

43. II Samuel 12:15-20 tells the story of God killing an infant because it was the product of its parents' adultery. If you were God, would you do such a thing? Please (a) explain to me the justification for this infanticide and (b) tell me what this incident reveals about the true character of Biblegod.

And please give me a list of all sins which justify the killing of a newborn baby (not including someone else's sin of adultery, which we already know about).

44. II Samuel 24:1 says that the Lord incited David to take a census of Israel; I Chronicles 21:1 says that Satan incited David to take a census of Israel. Which do you believe?

And if your explanation is that it was a "scrivener's error," explain to me why the Almighty Omnipotent Creator of the Universe is powerless to prevent copiers' errors. Also, explain to me how any scrivener could be so inept that he accidentally wrote "Satan" instead of "God" (or vice versa). A "slip of the quill?"

45. In Genesis 1:26, when God said, "Let us make man in our image," whom was he talking to? The animals? The plants? It couldn't have been a human, because humans didn't exist yet. There's only one God, so he couldn't have been talking to some other god.

46. Genesis 10:5 says that at that time, different peoples had different languages; Genesis 11:1, just a few verses down, says that there was only one language in the world. Which do you believe?

47. According to your God, if a girl gets married and it turns out she wasn't a virgin, she deserves the death penalty (Deuteronomy 22:13-21) ... but the same rule doesn't apply to males. Why does God discriminate against females?

Let's imagine that a man (not God) wrote the Bible — no divine inspiration or "supreme wisdom" whatsoever. Let's say it was a man (or several men) who lived in a primitive pre-technological patriarchal society a few thousand years ago. What kind of book would we expect?

Let's see ... it would reflect the attitudes of that period in that women would be property, just like cattle ... rape would be okay, at least in the context of "the spoils of war" ... violence would be a casual thing, and the beating of children would be permissible ... God would, of course, be a male ... the adultery laws and virginity requirements would apply only to women ... there wouldn't be any scientific revelation in it at all, since it would merely be a product of its (primitive) time ... old age would be revered, and there would be tall tales about people living to be hundreds of years old (all of them men, of course) ... children would have no rights whatsoever ... there would be no tolerance of other cultures, and when another nation was conquered, its inhabitants would be slaughtered like animals (an exception, I suppose, to the "Thou shalt not kill" rule) or enslaved. Is this beginning to sound familiar?

48. All throughout the Bible, it seems that God's solution to every problem involves death and blood. He can't even forgive sin unless there's blood dripping somewhere (Hebrews 9:22). Wouldn't you expect the creator of the universe (the guy who invented positrons, quarks, and neutrinos, and put nipples on men) to have a little more imagination than this?

By the way, are YOU able to forgive sin without somebody (or some animal) bleeding? Doesn't this indicate that you're morally superior to Biblegod?

49. God couldn't forgive your sin without an innocent person (Jesus) suffering. What does it say about the character of your God that he insists on torturing his own son to appease himself? What horrible thing would I have to do to you that you would demand the hideous torture-death of your own son ... that is, nothing else would satisfy you ... you'd insist on your own child being hung on a wooden cross by nails driven into his little hands and feet? And what would this say about you as a person? And how would it constitute evidence that you were "too holy to allow sin into your presence?"

I think I understand what FORGIVENESS is:

Let's say that Joe owes me a debt ... either because I loaned money to him, or because he dropped a brick on my foot. Let's say it's $1,000.00.

Scenario #1:

Joe promises to pay me on January 12. He works an extra job, sets aside a little bit each week, and on January 12 he brings me the $1,000.00. I am paid. I received my $1,000.00.

No more debt. I've been paid.

Scenario #2:

Joe promises to pay me on January 12. He can't come up with the money on his own. He goes to a friend and says, "I need $1,000.00 to pay Pendragon." The friend gives him the money. Joe gives it to me on January 12. I am paid. I received my $1,000.00.

No more debt. I've been paid.

Scenario #3:

Joe promises to pay me on January 12. January 12 comes and goes, and Joe doesn't show up. No phone call, no email, no letter, no carrier pigeon.

I think about it, and decide, "Well, let's just forget about it. I forgive him. I hereby cancel Joe's debt."

I was supposed to receive $1,000.00. I was entitled to receive $1,000.00. I ended up receiving nothing. But I've decided that's okay with me. I haven't been paid, but ...

No more debt ... because I forgave the debt.

Now if God (Biblegod) were truly a forgiving god, as the Christians claim he is, he would do a Scenario #3 as far as my "sins" are concerned. But he doesn't. What he does is Scenario #2. He's such a hateful, vengeful, unforgiving, spiteful bastard that he demands that his own son die a horrible, bloody death. He demands that Jesus stretch out his hands so they can be nailed to a wooden cross.

He demands payment of the debt! He doesn't FORGIVE a goddam thing.

A forgiving God would look down at me here on earth ... he'd see me drinking, swearing, blaspheming, and cheating on my taxes, and he'd say, "I forgive him. No charge for these sins. No penalty." That would be forgiveness.

Christian doctrine (the substitutionary death of Jesus) is proof that Biblegod is NOT a "forgiving" god. He's not a loving Cosmic Care Bear. He's just like Vinnie the Loan Shark: "Pay me, or else. You come up with the dough, or get the dough from somebody else, I don't care ... just PAY."

Since Satan caused all the sin (by tempting us and lying to us), why didn't Biblegod crucify him? While Jesus was suffering and bleeding, God allowed Satan to stand there on the sidelines, snickering and enjoying the spectacle.

50. And tell me, what is noble and majestic about demanding the death of your own son for any reason? Would this be characteristic of a god, or of a twisted, sadistic fiend?

And don't tell me that "God demands a perfect sacrifice, because he is holy and perfect." BULLSHIT! He's God, the all-powerful all-knowing all-everything Supreme Being. He makes ALL the rules. That "perfect sacrifice" argument makes as much sense as saying, "God is perfect, so he demands 25 cents per sin." God could have made a divine law that we have to eat a pretzel for every sin we commit, or that we have to paint our toenails green and do cartwheels to atone for our sins.

There is nothing inherently logical, nothing intuitive about the idea of "my own son dying = payment for sins." God made that up out of thin air; it comes directly from his twisted mind.

51. Do you use the King James Version of the Bible? Are you aware that the 1611 edition (the original) contained more than 66 books (it had Tobit and Judith right in there with III John and I Corinthians)? Have you ever read any of the "missing" books? Do you know why they aren't in your KJV, even though they WERE included in the Wycliffe Bible (1382), the Coverdale Bible (1535), the Great Bible (1539), the Geneva Bible (1560), the Bishop's Bible (1568), the Douay-Rheims Version (1609), the original German Luther Bible, the Latin Vulgate, and the Greek Septuagint? Do you, in fact, know anything about the "missing" books?"

52. Nehemiah 7:66 says, "[T]he whole congregation together was forty and two thousand three hundred and three-score (42,360)." But if you add the figures between Nehemiah 7:8 and Nehemiah 7:62, the total for all the tribes is 31,089, not 42,360 (an error of 11,271). And Ezra and Nehemiah can't agree on what the total should be; the former supports 29,818 while the latter asserts 31,089. How do you explain this? Are God's ways so far beyond our own poor powers of understanding (Isaiah 55:9) that even his math is different? Can Biblegod make two plus two equal five?

53. I just got through reading Matthew 25:41ff. Do you think it's appropriate for a person to be punished with eternal torture just because he fails to give food to a hungry person? If your answer is "yes," then what punishment would be appropriate for Hitler, who murdered six million Jews?

And speaking of Hitler, think about this: Hitler tortured and murdered millions of Jews. After he killed them, he buried them in mass graves, like animals. And then ... those dead Jews went to stand before your God. And God said to them, "Depart from me; I never knew you. You all died without Christ. You're going to hell, to suffer and scream in agony for all eternity."

This is the God whom you praise and worship ... the God you believe to be an "awesome god."

Please, God, don't let my priest rape me again.

54. The National Review Board gave a report of sex abuse committed by Catholic priests in the United States between 1950 and 2002. Four percent, or one out of every 25 priests, had been formally accused of sexually abusing minors. Which do you think is safer for your child: to be alone with a Christian priest, or to walk through a city park at 11:00 pm?

Four percent of priests ... that's actually a higher percentage than you'd find in the average prison population! You'd find lots of murderers, thieves, embezzlers in the typical U.S. prison ... but you wouldn't have a 4% pedophile rate.

Think for a minute ... when was the last time you read a newspaper article (or saw a news item on TV) about a member of the Wiccan clergy sexually abusing a child? Or the Islamic clergy? Or a Buddhist priest? In fact, have you ever seen even one news article about a clergyman from the Church of Satan molesting a child?

I contend that, statistically, based on pure fact alone, your six-year-old daughter is safer being alone with a minister of the Church of Satan than with a Catholic priest.

55. Are you aware that your God has threatened (four different times, in four different books of the Bible!) to make people cannibalize their own children as a form of punishment? See:

(1) Leviticus 26:29;

(2) Deuteronomy 28:53;

(3) Jeremiah 19:9;

(4) Ezekiel 5:10.

And II Kings 6:28-29 tells the story of someone who actually did it (ate her own child)! Would you teach these verses to your children during a home Bible study? Are there other disgusting passages in the Bible (II Kings 9:10, II Kings 18:27) that you believe children should be protected from? What would you think of me if I read these disgusting passages to your child? Shouldn't the Bible be removed from the libraries of elementary schools? What sins or crimes do you believe would justify a sentence of "you must eat your own children?"

And by the way ... doesn't this punish the (innocent) children also? Where is the justice in making them die (and be eaten!) because somebody else has sinned?

The story of Job illustrates very clearly God's attitude toward children. Job has children; God allows Satan to kill them (as a way of testing Job's faith). At the end of the story (Job 42:13), God "restores" Job's children ... by letting him father some new ones. Got that? God allows Satan to take Job's property ... his sheep, camels, oxen, donkeys, and children. Then God restores Job's property ... sheep, camels, oxen, donkeys, and children.

This is great for Job, but what about the innocent human children that God originally allowed to be killed along with the livestock?

Pardon me for not wanting to spend eternity with this sick, twisted bastard of a "God."

56. Do you believe the creation account in Genesis? Which one? Genesis 1:1ff or Genesis 2:4ff? Sometime, just for fun, try to reconcile these two different accounts of the same incident.

And then, for even more fun, reconcile the four different accounts of the arrest, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus found in the four gospels.

57. In Exodus 7:13, we read that God wanted Pharaoh to do something, but that God hardened Pharaoh's heart so that he wouldn't listen to God. What does this tell you about the character of your God?

Is it any wonder that the colloquial term "playing God" refers to something one shouldn't do?

58. Jesus said that "Whoever is not with me is against me" (Luke 11.23); he also said "Whoever is not against us is for us" (Matthew 9:40). Which statement do you believe?

59. Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Billy Graham's daughter all believe (and have stated publicly) that the attack on the Twin Towers (September 11, 2001) happened because (1) America had become sinful and was permitting abortion, witchcraft, and lesbianism; (2) God got mad at America; and (3) God "removed his protection" from us. Do you believe this? Do you believe that God killed thousands of New Yorkers that I had never met in my life, just because I and my friends cast a few spells down here in Texas? Is this God worthy of your worship, or your contempt?

John 3:16 Cartoon

60. Do you believe that Jack T. Chick is a Christian? HE thinks he's a Christian (and probably thinks you're NOT). Would you like to spend eternity with him in heaven?

61. I read in I Corinthians 5:11 that a Christian should not associate with another Christian who is greedy or who is a "slanderer." It is ordered, by your God, that you shouldn't even eat with such a person. My Christian friend, have you ever obeyed this commandment? Have you ever left the dinner table because a greedy Christian sat down to eat with you? Have you ever seen, or even heard of, anyone who actually obeyed this commandment?

62. God has ordered repeatedly (in the NEW Testament) that wives should submit themselves to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22; I Peter 3:1; Colossians 3:18). These commandments are much, much clearer than anything the Bible may say about abortion (and I contend that the Bible says nothing about abortion). Going strictly by the Bible, it is obvious that a wife disobeying a direct order from her husband is a much more serious sin than aborting a fetus (now I know that doesn't make any sense, but hey, he's GOD, and he's so much smarter than we are ... he doesn't HAVE to make sense). If you are a married woman, do you obey this Scriptural commandment? If you don't, why do you call yourself a Christian? If you are a Christian husband, do you demand that your wife obey the Lord in this area? If not, why not? Don't you have the guts to demand that your wife live according to the Word of God? Don't you have the guts to exercise authority that was given to you by the creator of the entire universe? Which are you more concerned about: (a) God's commandment or (b) being politically correct? Would you complain if your wife disobeyed the Lord in other areas of her life — for instance, if she committed adultery or murder (or seethed a kid in its mother's milk [Exodus 23:19])? Do you belong to a church where this commandment is regularly disobeyed by the women of the church? Can you explain to me why Christian men protest in public (and commit criminal acts of harrassment) over abortion, but don't protest about disobedient wives? Could it be that modern-day Christians only pretend to live according to the Bible, ignoring the more "difficult" (or politically incorrect) commandments?

63. In March 2004, Mel Gibson released a movie about Jesus. All of the actors in the movie speak their lines in either (1) Aramaic or (2) Latin. Neither of these two languages is actually spoken (as the lingua franca) in any country anywhere on earth. Do you think Mel Gibson was stupid for shooting a movie about Jesus in two languages that nobody on earth actually uses in ordinary speech? Do you realize that, for the first time in history, a movie has been made that MUST include subtitles absolutely everywhere it is shown, anywhere on earth? Do you believe that Mel Gibson was on some kind of ego trip, just "showing off," wanting to make a movie that was painfully "authentic" without regard for any practical considerations?

[Dateline March 3, 2004] The number "666" is appearing on movie tickets for Gibson's film at a Georgia theater, drawing complaints from some moviegoers. The machine that prints tickets assigned the number 666 as a prefix on all the tickets for the film. The 666 begins a series of numbers that are listed below the name of the movie, the date, the time, and the price.

64. I John 5:16-17 talks about a "sin unto death" that one should not pray about. What sin is that? And please back up your answer with Scripture.

65. Which of the big-time evangelists do you trust, and which do you think are phonies? Robert Tilton? Billy Graham? Peter Popoff? Benny Hinn? Marilyn Hickey? John Agee? John Ankerberg?

66. In the gospel according to Matthew, which was written around 65 CE, we are promised that the second coming of Jesus will be very soon (Matthew 24:34;); in fact, Christians in the First Century C.E. thought he would return during their own lifetimes (II Thessalonians 2:1-2). Jesus told his contemporaries that some of them would not "taste death" before his return (Matthew 16:28). Well, about 19 centuries have come and gone ... do you still believe that Jesus is actually going to return? When? In another 19 centuries, perhaps? Do you believe that it could be "any day now?" If your answer is "yes," do you believe that the revelation of the "man of sin" has already occurred (II Thessalonians 2:3) — which is a prerequisite for the second coming? Who do you believe the "man of sin" to be (full name and address, please)? When and where (and how) was he revealed?

And speaking of the "rapture" ... have you left your rapture letter for the benefit of those of us who will be Left Behind?

67. Are you aware that there are many pre-Christian myths about a god-man who comes to earth, is born of a virgin, sacrifices himself, and is resurrected? That some of those pre-Christian myths include stories about the miraculous feeding of multitudes, the healing of sick people, and walking on water? Do you have an explanation for how these stories, which existed before Jesus was ever born, could be so similar to the Gospel accounts?

68. Do you believe that a person who is 99.999% morally perfect, and commits only a few minor sins in his lifetime (no murder, rape, theft, adultery, or violence) deserves to suffer in hell for all eternity, just because he fails to "accept Jesus" (a term that's interpreted 8,000 ways by 6,000 different Christian groups)? If it were up to you — if you had the power to make the decision — would YOU sentence Mr. 99.999% to an afterlife of perpetual suffering? If your answer is "yes," why do you think this is fair? Do you realize that your God would send such a person to hell, forever? Are you perhaps more merciful and compassionate than your own God?

What if the only sin he ever committed in his whole life was planting a field with two different kinds of seed (Leviticus 19:19)? When he dies ... hell, or no hell?

69. Which do you believe is more psychologically harmful to a child: being sexually fondled by an adult, or being threatened with eternal, unending torture in a burning, fiery hell?

70. Do you believe that witches are Satan-worshippers? If so, why? Do you assume for some reason that modern-day witches are lying when they say they don't believe in Satan? Would you actually be disappointed if witches didn't believe in Satan, thus ruining your preconceived notions about them?

71. In I Samuel 16:14, we read that "an evil spirit from the Lord" troubled King Saul. Why do you worship a God who sends evil spirits to trouble people? How would you like it if he sent one of his evil spirits to trouble YOU?

And by the way, where does God keep his evil spirits when he's not sending them out to trouble people?

72. If your own child disobeyed you, would you lock him in an oven, set the temperature to 550, and turn it on? No? Is it perhaps possible that you have better moral sense than the God of the Bible?

73. Do you believe that some of the commandments in the Old Testament don't apply to Christians? Which ones? Does the OT commandment against adultery apply to modern-day Christians? What about the commandment not to wear clothing woven of two different kinds of material (Leviticus 19:19)? Why does one OT commandment apply and not the other? How do you decide which Old Testament commandments are still valid? Are you perhaps guilty of being your own God?

74. Around the time Jesus was born, Herod ordered the murder of innocent children (Matthew 2:16); in the time of Moses, God killed the firstborn of every household (Exodus 11:4-5) — innocent children. How is God morally different from King Herod?

75. In I Corinthians 15:29, we read about being baptized for the dead. What, exactly, does this mean?

76. Matthew 7:1 orders Christians not to pass judgment. I Corinthians 2:15 says that a spiritual man passes judgment on everything. Which is it? A Christian being judgmental — is that good or bad?

77. In 1994, Christian singer Michael English, then 32, won six "Dove Awards" for his music. He later gave them back, saying it was because of "mistakes" he had made. In fact, he had been carrying on an adulterous relationship with one Marabeth Jordan, another "Gospel singer" who was also married (they hooked up while they were on a tour together, raising money for a home for unwed mothers. It was during this tour that Mr. English impregnated Ms. Jordan). Question: Do you have any Michael English recordings in your possession? Do you plan to keep them, or destroy them? If one of his songs were playing on the radio (how about "Mary Did You Know?"), would you turn it off? Would you allow your children to listen to his music?

78. Jesus said that a sparrow can't fall to the ground unless it's God's will (Matthew 10:29). How do you explain catastrophes such as the destruction of the Twin Towers, or the 2004 earthquake in Bam, Iran, which caused the deaths of 31,000 people? What about Hurricane Katrina (August 2005)? The Indonesian tsunami (December 26, 2004)? The earthquake in Pakistan (October 2005)? Obviously, these things happened because God wanted them to happen. How do you think God decides where (and when) these horrible events will occur? What did these 31,000 Iranians, some of them infants less than a week old, do to deserve a violent death?

Why doesn't God send an earthquake to San Francisco to kill all the queers? Or cause an earthquake at a prison, so that violent criminals will die? Or send a special tornado to the Middle East to kill all the Al-Qaeda guys? Why doesn't God put these natural disasters to some good use, instead of making them appear to be random (exactly the way they would occur if he didn't exist)?

79. If a person is "saved," can he later become "unsaved," that is, lose his salvation?

The answer is no:

Romans 11:29 indicates that a gift from God (which salvation is, per Ephesians 2:8) is irrevocable. And Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for Christians.

The answer is yes:

Hebrews 6:4-8 says that there can be a "falling away" that results in a loss of salvation — it's referred to as "being cursed" and "burned."

So which do you believe? Is it possible, or impossible, to lose one's salvation?

GOD SAID:

AND I REPLIED:

"I love you!" (John 3:16)

"Wow! That's great!"

"Nothing can separate you from my love!"

(Romans 8:38-39)

"Wow! That's great!"

"I want YOU to love ME!" (Deut. 6:5; Matthew 22:37)

"Sure, why not?"

"There is no fear in love." (I John 4:18)

"Well, of course not!"

"I want you to FEAR me."

(Deut. 6:13, Deut. 10:20, Ps. 34:9,

Ps. 111:10, Prov. 9:10,

Isa. 8:13, II Cor. 5:11)

"Uhhh ... can you run that by me again?"

80. Matthew 5:48 says that I should be perfect, just as God is perfect; Ephesians 5:1 says that I should imitate God. How should I go about doing this? Perhaps by killing an infant who is the product of adultery (II Samuel 12:15-16)? Even if the child's father begs for mercy? Perhaps I should stand by and do nothing while six million innocent Jews die in gas chambers? Perhaps I should impregnate a virgin I've never been married to (Luke 1:31)? Perhaps I should contact all the people I claim to love, and threaten them with eternal fiery torture? Maybe I should watch a tsunami start, out in the middle of the ocean, and sit on my ass and do nothing for two solid hours as it approaches land ... where 250,000 unsuspecting people are about to die ... and not warn anybody?

A Biblical stoning And speaking of impregnating a virgin I'm not married to ... that "affair" between Mary and God sounds like fornication to me, and according to the Biblical law, both Mary and God must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:23-24). Can God make a rock so big that He Himself can be stoned to death by it?

Which reminds me ... the Bible says that Jesus never sinned (Hebrews 4:15). My question is: What if he had sinned ... gone into a whorehouse for ten minutes and gotten his cane varnished, for instance? Since he's God (John 10:30; Colossians 2:9), isn't it true that anything he does is, by definition, NOT a sin? Like when Big God kills a bunch of innocent people? That's not a sin, is it? So if Jesus (aka God) stabbed a guy to death for no reason, it's not a sin, since (a) he's God, and (b) God has the right to take a person's life for no reason (the way he does thousands of times every day), right? Isn't it theologically impossible for Jesus [aka God] to sin?

81. In John 14:12, Jesus says that his followers (Christians) will do greater works than he did — that is, greater things than (1) healing lepers, (2) walking on water, (3) feeding five thousand people with a few loaves and fishes, etc. Suppose I tell you that Jesus lied. Can you show me even one Christian, anywhere on earth, who is fulfilling this "doing greater works" prediction?

And if you say "Benny Hinn" I'll bitch-slap you.

82. Are you aware that there are many Christian documents that were written during the First Century C.E. (such as the Gospel of Peter, the Gospel of Thomas, The Shepherd, the Didace) that aren't part of the Bible? Are you aware that the decisions as to which writings would be included in the Christian Bible were made over 1600 years ago? Tell me everything you know about (1) those book-choosing/book-rejecting people in the Fourth Century C.E. and (2) the decision-making processes that they used and (3) explain to me why you trust them so much. Can you name even one of them? Aren't you terribly worried that some of what's in your Bible doesn't belong there, or that there's something left out that is very important? Aren't you taking a huge leap of faith ... not with regard to your God, but with regard to the Fourth-Century folks who cobbled together the oddball collection of writings we now refer to as "the Bible?"

Witches under the bridge

83. Leviticus 18:22 says that homosexuality is an abomination (a really, really bad sin). Question: If God decided tomorrow that heterosexuality is a sin, would you stop being a heterosexual? Could you stop being a heterosexual just because God commanded you to stop?

84. Romans 1:20 says that God's invisible qualities can be figured out by looking at what he created. What invisible qualities of your God have you divined from studying his creation (we're NOT talking about anything you read in the Bible)? And how did you arrive at your conclusions? What part of creation tells you that it makes sense that God would murder his only-begotten son because other people (not his son) disobeyed him?

85. Have you ever studied church history — the Inquisition, the witch burnings, the Crusades, the selling of indulgences, the Popes who fathered illegitimate children? How do you feel about these things? Do they make you ashamed to belong to such an ugly tradition? Why isn't church history ever taught in church? (The Protestants, of course, would have to admit that for many centuries, the Catholic church was the only boat afloat.)

86. Romans 2:13 says that those who obey the law will be declared righteous. Galatians 2:21 says that if righteousness could be gained through [obeying] the law, then Christ died for nothing. Which do you believe? Did Christ die for nothing?

87. Are you aware that the New Testament gives us no reason to think that the believers in the early church ever referred to themselves as Christians? The word "Christian" is used only three times in the New Testament (Acts 11:26, Acts 26:28, I Peter 4:16), and the context strongly indicates that "Christian" was an insult. Why do you think people today who believe in Jesus call themselves "Christians?"

88. In Proverbs 26:4, God orders you not to answer a fool according to his folly. In the very next verse, Proverbs 26:5, God orders you to do the exact opposite — that is, he orders you to answer a fool according to his folly! Let's say you've decided to live your life according to God's Holy Word, and you are confronted with a fool (and you've decided to answer him). What do you do?

89. The Bible that you carry and study and memorize consists of 66 "books." Why aren't more Bible "books" being written today? If I told you that a certain writing from, say, 1997, should be considered Scripture, on a par with Colossians and II Thessalonians, on what basis would you dispute me? How do you know I'm wrong?

Come to think of it, how do you know that it was appropriate to include II John in the Bible?

90. Genesis 2:17 tells us that God ordered humans not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Why would God not trust humans with such knowledge, but rather give it to ... a piece of fruit? The Bible records that Eve ate the fruit because she wanted to gain wisdom (Genesis 3:6); God commands us to obtain wisdom (Proverbs 4:5). Which do you believe ... that God wants us to gain wisdom, or doesn't want us to gain wisdom?

And God told Adam and Eve that when they ate of the fruit, they would die (Genesis 2:17). They ate it, and they didn't die. Is God a liar?

Cartoon

91. Suppose a woman told you that her husband was gracious and loving because he promised not to kill her if she served him for the rest of her life. You'd think she was a brainwashed slave, and that he was a sicko. Yet your God offers YOU this exact same choice. My question is: Why do you believe that a choice between

(a) loving your god and

(b) eternal torture

is a legitimate choice offered by a loving deity?

92. A part of you might be hoping there's a passage in the Bible that says children don't go to hell. Keep reading; you won't find it. If Biblegod wanted you to know this, wouldn't he have mentioned it somewhere in the Bible?

Do you believe that a three-year-old who dies "without Christ" will be tortured in hell forever? If you believe that he CAN get to heaven "without Christ," WHY do you believe this? Jesus Christ himself said that you don't get to heaven without Jesus, period (John 14:6).

93. Are you aware that your God has screwed up at least ten times (according to his own book ... the one he wrote) so badly that he repented? See Genesis 6:7, Exodus 32.14, Judges 2:18, I Samuel 15:35, II Samuel 24:16, I Chronicles 21:15, Psalm 106:45, Jeremiah 26:19, Amos 7:3, Amos 7:6 (you'll want to use the KJV to see the word "repent" or a variation thereof). Why does an omniscient God change his mind so much?

And speaking of omniscience/omnipotence ... if (a) God wants everything to be righteous and perfect and (b) God is truly omnipotent yet (c) everything is not righteous and perfect, at this very moment, even as we speak ... then there must be some other thing that God wants even more than for everything to be righteous and perfect. Any ideas on what that other thing might be?

And still speaking of omnipotence ... are you aware that the Bible itself records an incident when there was something that God COULD NOT DO? See Judges 1:19 (Biblegod can't overcome iron chariots).

94. Do you believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in public schools? If so, why? Why do you consider it to be important? Do you understand why people see a conflict between the First Amendment and the practice of displaying the Ten Commandments (#1 of which is "Thou shalt have no other gods before me") in tax-supported buildings? What if a second-grader read the Ten Commandments (on the monument in front of his school) and then asked his teacher to explain "adultery" to him? That's certainly a Biblical topic. How would you want your daughter's first-grade teacher to explain the sin of sport-fucking?

Do you believe that the displaying of the Ten Commandments creates some sort of wholesome environment for our children? Do you think there's a big problem these days with kids committing adultery and carving idols during school hours?

And by the way ... did you know that the Biblically-prescribed punishment for disobedience of each of the first seven commandments is death? Would you support the death penalty for violation of these commandments? If not, why not? Are you smarter than God? Doesn't it make sense that if we post the Ten Commandments on the courthouse lawn, we should also include a statement that God demands that any violators be killed? Would that be a good "moral lesson" for your children? Wouldn't you agree that ideological consistency requires that, if we acknowledge the legitimacy and authority of the Ten Commandments in our society, we should also make known the punishments that Almighty God demands for their violation? You wouldn't want to soft-pedal the word of God, would you? Why are Christians proud of one part of the Bible, but ashamed of another?

Suppose there's a county in California where the majority religion is Islam. Would there be anything wrong with them erecting a monument (using taxpayers' money) on the courthouse lawn that reads, "There is only one God, and Allah is his name, and Mohammed is his only prophet"?

Of course, they'd set it up in some prominent place, where everybody would have to look at it.

If you believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed on your courthouse lawn, do you have the Ten Commandments displayed in your own home? If not, why not? Isn't it time to put your money where your mouth is? You can click on the illustration (at left) and go to the Design Toscano site where they will be happy to sell you a replica of the Ten Commandments (for $75) that you can put in your own front yard.

95. Exodus 20:17 (commandment #10 of the Ten Commandments) gives a list of property that belongs to your neighbor, which you're ordered not to covet. The list includes your neighbor's house, his servants, his ox, his donkey ... and his wife. If you are a married Christian man, do you consider your wife to be your property? If your answer is "yes," does your wife know about your attitude? Are you aware that many women are deeply offended that your God includes them in a property list along with domesticated animals and servants ("servants" being humans that are owned as slaves, with God's blessing)? Doesn't this betray God's crummy attitude toward women in general?

Some Christians want to display the Ten Commandments in public schools. Do you think it's a good idea for a modern-day third-grader to grow up thinking that one's wife is property?

And speaking of God's attitude toward women ... did you know that he created Eve as an afterthought? Take a look at Genesis 2:18-22 (which may be one of my all-time favorite Bible passages): God first decides that man (Adam) should not be alone. God decides that Adam needs a "suitable helper." So what God does next is to parade all the animals and birds before Adam, "But for Adam no suitable helper was found." (Genesis 2:20b). THAT'S when God decides to create woman!

One pictures the Infinite Mind of Creation pondering, "Hmmm, let's see ... dog? ... ox? ... whooping crane? ... Latrodectus mactans? No, no, none of them seems quite right. What Adam needs is something with tits and a nice tight ... hey! All the OTHER creatures are represented by TWO sexes! Give me a minute ... I'm getting an idea here ...?"

96. Do you believe that "God Hates Fags?"

97. A real sacrifice is when you give up something you can't get back. Jesus laid down his life for us, but he received it back again ... as he knew he would (see John 10:17). So what's the big deal about Jesus' sacrifice? The really scary thing about death is the permanence of it. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that Jesus had a really bad weekend for our sins?

98. Romans 11:26 says that all Israel will be saved. How can this be, since they don't accept Jesus?

99. Mark 16:9-20 appears in some Bibles (such as the KJV) but not in others. Do you believe that this passage is in fact "inspired Scripture?" Why or why not? When you engage in textual criticism to determine which "doubtful" passages should be included (such as the Pericope Adulterae, John 7:53-8:11), what specific criteria do you use?

100. Do you believe that the American pledge of allegiance to the flag should include the words "one nation under God?" Are you aware that the original version of the pledge (which had been around for more than a half a century before the McCarthyites, in the 1950's, demanded the insertion of a reference to a deity) did NOT contain the expression "under God" ... that American school children recited The Pledge for more than 50 years without making any reference at all to a deity (and America seemed to get along just fine)? Would you object if the pledge contained the expression "one nation under Allah" or "one nation under Isis?" Are you aware that America has no "official god?"

And are you aware that the world didn't start going to hell in a handbasket until after the "under God" language was inserted into the pledge? The epidemic of teenage pregnancy, the rise in divorces, openly gay people marching in the streets, Islamic extremism ... all came about AFTER the extra two words were inserted?

101. Who wrote the biblical "book" known as "Hebrews?" If you believe it was Paul, why do you believe this? Are you aware that the writing style of Hebrews is very different from the style of Paul's writings?

102. If God made an announcement tomorrow to the effect that hell had been abolished, that is, that there was no more everlasting punishment for sin, would you continue to live a moral life? Would it offend you in any way if God abolished hell, thereby letting the unrepentant "bad guys" get away with their sin?

Look deep into your heart for just a moment. Honestly now ... doesn't it give you just a bit of a thrill when you imagine a sarcastic Bible-hating bastard like me screaming in pain as I roast in the flames of hell for eons and eons?

103. Some Christians say that the earth is only 6,000-8,000 years old. Yet there are stars that are many thousands of light-years away from us; the fact that we can see them at all proves that their light has traveled for more than a million years. How old do you believe the earth to be? [Hint: Real scientists think it's about four billion years old]

104. Which Bible translation is your favorite or, to put it another way, which one do you believe to be the most reliable? Why do you believe this? How much Hebrew and/or Greek do you know? If you can't read even one word of Hebrew or Greek, how can you make any assessment of the accuracy of any Bible translation?

And how do you know that all the translators (of all the English translations) haven't been lying to you all along? Haven't you made a pretty big leap of faith, considering that your eternal future is involved?

Isn't it true that what you REALLY have perfect faith in is (1) the manuscript-choosing/manuscript-rejecting people from the Fourth Century and (2) a bunch of translators, NONE of whom you know ANYTHING about ... not even their names?

105. People have seen images of the Virgin Mary in tortillas, and in stains on the sides of buildings (to name a couple of places). They've even seen Jesus' face on toilet paper and on an oyster shell. Do you believe that any of these "sightings" are valid? Would you agree with me that a lot of people who call themselves Christians are blithering idiots?

And can you explain to me how any sane person could believe that the Infinite Creator of the Universe would reveal Himself through an image on a tortilla? And if He did so ... what is He trying to SAY? Please translate into plain English the Message of the Holy Tortilla.

And how in the HELL does anybody in the 21st Century know what the Virgin Mary looked like? Isn't it possible that the tortilla image is of Sarah, a First-Century prostitute?

106. Do you believe that Catholics are saved (going to heaven after they die)? What about Mormons? Jehovah's Witnesses? Southern Baptists? Pentecostals? Presbyterians? Episcopalians? Assembly of God? Church of Christ? Why or why not?

And if your answer is, "Yes, Catholics are saved if they've really received Jesus and been born again," please describe in detail (for the benefit of our Catholic friends) the exact process whereby one receives Jesus and is born again. And please be very, very specific, because if even one tiny ingredient is left out or misstated, then a person may needlessly end up in hell. Thank you.

107. You're a Christian. If you committed suicide, would you go to heaven? If not, (a) why not, and (b) what is the scriptural basis [if any] for your answer?

108. Adolf Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews. According to evangelical Christian beliefs, if Hitler dropped to his knees and repented (and "received Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior," whatever that means) three seconds before he died, then he would be saved, and he'd go to heaven and would live forever, right next door to the dead Popes and the virgin Mary and the apostle Paul. Do you think this is fair? Have you noticed that Biblegod has quite a few policies that are offensive to the average person's instinctive sense of justice and morality?

109. In Isaiah 7:14 we read a prophecy about a virgin having a baby, and she names it "Immanuel." Matthew 1:23 tells us that this was a prophecy of Jesus. But he was named Jesus — not Immanuel. How do you explain this? Was Isaiah a false prophet (Deuteronomy 18:22)?

110. In Matthew 17:1-5 we read the story of the "transfiguration" of Jesus. Moses and Elijah dropped in (perhaps in spectral form, like Anikin Skywalker in Episode 6) and talked to Jesus. Immediately, Peter wanted to build shelters for Moses and Elijah, calling them by name.

How did Peter know who they were? From photographs?

111. Did you know that your Bible specifically commands you — twice — not to be a motherfucker (Leviticus 18:7, Deuteronomy 27:20)?

Has your minister preached any sermons on this topic lately? (I imagine Rev. Jones standing behind his pulpit to begin his sermon, and he says, "There are couple of motherfucking Bible verses I want us to read ...")

And are you aware that Silver RavenWolf, Raymond Buckland, Doreen Valiente, Margot Adler, and Stewart Farrar, in all their many Wiccan books, have never thought it necessary to instruct Wiccans not to screw their own mothers? Why do you think your God needs to tell you twice not to do so?

And by the way ... are you still sure you want your child reading this filthy book?

112. Matthew 1:16 says, "And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus." Luke 3:23 says, "And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli." You believe the Bible to be true. Based on your belief in the Bible, who was the father of Joseph — Jacob or Heli?

113. Jesus said, "If you see a woman and lust after her, I say that you have already committed adultery in your heart." (Matthew 5:28) In other words, even if you don't commit adultery in the flesh, you've committed it just by lusting after someone.

Now suppose I see someone who needs some cash or a kind word, and I yearn in my heart to give it to him, but don't. Does that mean I have already "committed charity" in my heart? Will God give me any brownie points?

114. Hebrews 10:4 states unequivocally that it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sin. That being true, why did God give the Jews so many commandments about animal sacrifices (see Leviticus 9:2, for instance)? Was he just playing a joke on them? Why didn't he tell them, way back in the Old Testament days, that their animal sacrifices were useless?

115. Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44). He can appear as an "angel of light" (II Corinthians 11:14). How can you be absolutely sure that the Bible isn't an elaborate deception created by Satan — containing just enough "good stuff" to make it palatable and credible? Do you believe in the Bible just because you were raised on it, just because "everybody always told me it's the real thing?" How is this different from a little Muslim child who is 100% sure about the validity of his Koran just because he was raised on it?

If I were Satan, and I were given permission to tempt humanity but had the foreknowledge that God's true followers would try to stop me, then I'd figure that the best way to tempt the most humans would be to subvert those who could pose a threat. How? I'd write a book. Not just any old book, mind you, but a book more blasphemous, seductive, and evil then had ever been seen by mortal eyes. A book full of deceit, preaching a hypocrite God who imposes a more stringent set of rules on flawed humanity then He does on Himself, yet who is, somehow, the source of all morality. Those who don't buy into this twisted logic will be said to be immoral. A book of lies, with blatant contradictions, from a flat Earth to cities and places that have never existed to cruel actions taken in the name of a God who calls Himself “loving.” A book that describes the false God in cynical detail, yet leaves me [Satan] as a shadowy menace, always in the background, always scheming, but no real threat to TRUE followers of the false God, who are completely immune to my powers. Still, I must save my pride, and to do so, I would make it seem as if I were a thousand times more active than God, my forces constantly at work doing evil. They would seem to be constantly winning, yet people would cling to the hope of a false prophecy that involves billions of deaths and the end of the world. A book that is chock full of sex, violence, murder, torment, filthy language, intolerance, and hatred. A book that would be used to justify all forms of atrocities against men, women, and children, including the extinction of entire peoples from the face of the Earth. This book would be so diabolically written that people would drown themselves in it completely, giving up sanity and reality, and then try to pull others in with them. They would hold up human progress and enlightenment, out of their own pride and greed and lust for power. They would prey on the weak and wounded, the suffering and the sorrowful, with false promises of happiness and light. They would behave exactly like me, yet would be too far gone to recognize it. Then, when the real God decides it's time to judge mankind, all those people, all the ones who believed in my book, would come before the true God, expecting to be saved ... and He would turn them away. And standing there at the gates of hell would be me, beckoning them to enter.

116. As you know, the Bible allows us to have more than one wife at a time; Moses had more than one wife, and God never batted an eye. The Bible has references to multiple wives (Genesis 4:23, Genesis 28:9, etc.) and even gives us some rules on polygamy (Deuteronomy 21:15ff), but has nary a prohibition against the practice. Only bishops ("overseers") are prohibited from having multiple wives (I Timothy 3:2). Do you agree with this? If you and your husband (who isn't a bishop, let's assume) lived in a country where polygamy was legal, do you realize that he could take multiple wives (he'd probably invite you to the weddings, but not the honeymoons), and it wouldn't violate any Biblical commandments?

117. My friend Gordon, a Christian, gets upset when I use the expression "goddam" (the proper Texas pronunciation requires the accent on the second syllable: "gaah-DAMN!"). He doesn't get upset when I just say "damn." I have told him that in using the full "goddam" version, I am acknowledging that only God can damn; to say "damn" all by itself (without the GOD prefix) could be a suggestion that some other entity might be damning the object of the imprecation. In other words, as I patiently explain to him, I am in fact honoring his god. What do you think?

118. Imagine that there's a shipwreck, and ten survivors are washed ashore on a deserted island. All of them have complete amnesia, but they retain the ability to read. The only book they have is the Bible (let's say it's the NIV). For the next five years, they study the Bible and use it as the basis for a religion they develop (which they call "Biblianity"). How similar would their doctrines (and worship services) be to what we'd find in your own church among your Christian brothers and sisters?

Or, in the alternative, is it perhaps more likely that they'd spot the same contradictions, inconsistencies, and outright horrors that I did, and simply reject the Bible out of hand?

119. Do you believe that most people "come to Christ" and "receive Jesus" because they become convinced, at some point in their lives, of the validity of Christianity? Or is it obvious that most people who "surrender to Christ" do so at a time of crisis and emotional turmoil in their lives, and are simply grabbing an emotional life saver?

Have you ever noticed that nobody "comes to Christ" on the afternoon before prom night? Nobody "repents" as he's walking into the Pleasure Den whorehouse in Reno after winning $8000 at the roulette wheel ... it's always after he's landed on death row, and all his appeals have been exhausted (like Carla Faye Tucker ... she COULD have "found Jesus" just before she grabbed the pickaxe. Why didn't she? Guess it would have been just too damn inconvenient). Aren't you a little bit skeptical about the "jailhouse conversions?" Do you think Jesus is a bit disappointed that he gets so much of the dregs of society ... no Donald Trumps or Bill Gateses?

And by the way ... why would any sane person believe that the answer to every problem on earth is the torture-murder of a nice guy like Jesus?

120. In the Bible (Genesis 30:37-39), it tells the story of animals mating while they looked at speckled trees; the result is that the calves that were born were speckled. Honestly, do you believe this story? What do you think would happen if we tried to replicate this event under controlled conditions? Same result?

121. Do you believe that atheists and Wiccans and lesbians have exactly the same legal rights that you do? If your answer is "yes," have you taught this to your children?

122. After Noah's ark landed, and the flood waters receded, what did the carnivores eat while the prey animals were repopulating?

123. After Noah's ark landed, and the flood waters receded, what did the pandas eat? There damn sure isn't any bamboo in the Middle East (and if there had been, it would have been soaking in salt water for the previous 40 days, and would have been inedible).

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten

124. After Noah's ark landed, and the flood waters receded, the two polar bears traveled all the way from Mt. Ararat (located, they say, in modern-day Turkey) to the Arctic Circle, leaving no population or offspring behind. If they had traveled at a constant speed of 2 mph, never stopping to sleep, eating while they were on the move, and didn't slow down even for mountains or oceans (this being, of course, impossible), the trip would have taken them three months.

(a) How did they do this?

(b) How did they survive the hot temperatures?

(c) What did they eat? An adult polar bear eats at least 90 pounds of food every day just to stay alive.

125. After Noah's ark landed, and the flood waters receded, the two duckbill platypuses traveled all the way from the Middle East to Australia, swimming through thousands of miles of salt water (and leaving behind no offspring). How did they survive this trip? And what did they eat? Everything on earth was dead, except the small group of animals located right there where the ark landed. When they lit out, headed away from Mt. Ararat, there was NOTHING out there ... nothing for them to eat.

And by the way ... when the flood waters "receded," where did they go? This was, supposedly, a worldwide flood. If the waters had had somewhere to go, they wouldn't have waited 40 days to go there.

126. [Re: the Noah's ark flood] Why did only Noah and his family survive? Wouldn't there have been somebody else somewhere on earth who had a seaworthy boat that could stay afloat as long as the ark did? Wouldn't there have been lots of (human-occupied) boats floating around in the oceans and rivers at the time the rain started falling that would have simply "risen with the tide?"

If (a) Noah's flood really happened and (b) evolution is a false theory, how many Negroes and Japanese married into Noah's family, back before 2304 BCE?

127. Genesis 3:8-9 indicates that Adam and Eve successfully hid themselves from God. If he's all-knowing, how is this possible? And is there somewhere that I could hide from him so that he won't send me to his hell when I die?

128. I'll bet you have at least one relative that you know isn't "saved." How can you enjoy an eternity in heaven knowing that Cousin Eddie is screaming in pain in the unquenchable fires of hell, forever and ever and ever, until the end of time ... and beyond? Wouldn't this spoil your eternal bliss? And if it wouldn't, aren't you a pretty hard-hearted person? Just as hard-hearted, I might add, as your God?

And yes, I know the standard answer to this question: "I'll be transformed into a new creature when I get to heaven, and I'll know even as I am known, and I'll no longer see through a glass darkly, so that I'll have peace, no matter what." Tell me, how much "changing" can you undergo before you cease to be yourself? That is, before your personality is altered so much that it isn't even YOU anymore?

129. Do you believe that a Pagan is just as happy as you are? Do you believe that a Pagan could be happier in life than you are as a Christian?

130. The story of Noah and the flood recounts how God killed every person and every animal on earth, except for just a few. If you illustrated this story for children, would your picture show all the millions and millions of rotting, bloated corpses floating and putrefying on the surface of the water, and the swarms of black flies? Are you surprised that PETA doesn't rise up and denounce God for cruelty to animals?

In fact, when the waters receded, wouldn't the rotting animal corpses have naturally ended up in all the lakes and rivers, in the low-lying areas of the world ... thus polluting all the drinking water?

131. Imagine that you're walking out of church after the Sunday morning service with your son, who is six years old. As you're getting into the car, he says, "Piss! Ass! Foreskin! Whore! Dung! Breasts! Bastard! Concubine! Eunuch! Fornication!" Would you be offended? Would you punish him for using such language? Are you aware that each one of those words is in the King James Version of the Holy Bible ... the very book your son has tucked under his little arm? Do you realize that he's just "quoting the Bible?"

132. Pope John Paul II died in April 2005. For the last few months of his life, he was too sick to do his job, yet he refused to retire and hand over the reins of power to a successor. Isn't this evidence of fleshly pride? Isn't this evidence that he was in love with power?

133. Do you believe that quantum mechanics equations contain hidden variables that cause determinism to prevail? Why or why not?

"All that is necessary, it seems to me, to convince any reasonable person that the Bible is simply and purely of human invention — of barbarian invention — is to read it. Read it as you would any other book; think of it as you would of any other; take the bandage of reverence from your eyes; drive from your heart the phantom of fear; push from the throne of your brain the coiled form of superstition — then read the Holy Bible, and you will be amazed that you ever, for one moment, supposed a being of infinite wisdom, goodness and purity, to be the author of such ignorance and of such atrocity."

— Robert G. Ingersoll, The Gods (1872)

134. Do you believe that church attendance is important? Why? Are you aware that there is only ONE Bible verse that even vaguely orders Christians to attend church services (it's Hebrews 10:25) but there are FOUR separate commandments in the New Testament that order you to kiss every person that you meet (I Corinthians 16:20, II Corinthians 13:12, I Thessalonians 5:26, I Peter 5:14)? Which are you doing more of these days — going to church, or kissing people?

And in case you're wondering ... no, there's nothing in the Ten Commandments that requires church attendance. You "keep the Sabbath day holy" by not working, period. You can look it up (Exodus 20:8).

And by the way ... the Sabbath is Saturday, not Sunday. Do you work on Saturday? Are you arrogant enough to think that you have the right to change God's Sabbath from Saturday to a different day of the week?

Have you nullified the commandment of God for the sake of your church's tradition (Matthew 15:6)?

135. In Luke 22:36, Jesus specifically orders Christians to buy swords — even if they have to sell their outer garments to get the money. Do you own a sword? If you don't, when do you plan to buy one and end your rebellion against the Lord's clear and unequivocal commandment?

136. In Matthew 19:12, Jesus said that some people have castrated themselves for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. If your son told you that he wanted to follow Our Lord's suggestion, what would you say?

137. In John 21:15-17, we read about an exchange between Jesus and Simon Peter. Jesus asks Simon three times, "Do you love me?" As you probably know, when you read this passage in Greek, Jesus uses different words for "love." Pastors adore this passage because it's a ready-made sermon. There are a couple of problems, though: (1) Jesus didn't speak Greek when he talked to Simon, because Simon wouldn't have known what the hell he was saying, and (2) if you try to do this in Aramaic, which is the language that Jesus would have used, it just doesn't work, since Aramaic doesn't have as many words that are translated "love." How do you explain this? Could this be a fake story?

138. Proverbs 22:15 clearly says that it is acceptable for me to hit my child with a stick. If you observed me in my back yard "being Biblical" by hitting my seven-year-old son with a stick, what (if anything) would you do?

139. You believe that you're going to heaven after you die. Do you like the idea that you've been created for the sole purpose of worshipping your creator? That after you die, you're supposed to do this forever? That the purpose of your existence is to be part of a cosmic cheering squad for a deity so vain and insecure that he needs constant, eternal reassurance of his supremacy?

140. You would tell me that I can't be "saved" unless I believe certain things, i.e., that Jesus is the son of God, and died for my sins, and rose on the third day (Hebrews 11:6, Romans 10:9). I do NOT believe these things. How do I force myself to believe something that I don't believe? Of course, I can lie and SAY that I believe, but God will know I'm lying, so that's no good.

Suppose I told you, with all sincerity (and swore on a stack of Bibles), that Elvis Presley is still alive; his death in 1977 was faked. He was kidnapped by space aliens, and he now lives on the planet Venus. Any day now, he will return to earth to reign over us for 1,000 years. All this is prophesied in an ancient book I have (which I then proceed to show you). And then I tell you, seriously, that unless you believe this, 100%, with all your heart, you will go to hell when you die. You must believe this to be saved!

Question: How does a person force himself to believe something that is utter bullshit?

141. In the foregoing questions, I've shown conclusively that your "God" is in reality a hateful, twisted, nasty, vicious, petty, vengeful, double-talking, self-contradictory, nit-picking, spiteful being of low moral character. How do you know you're not really worshipping Satan? I'm not asking you to hold God accountable, or to judge him (he's opposed to that, of course); I'm just asking you if there is any minimum standard of decency that you'd hold him to. Have you decided in advance to worship God no matter what kind of a violent, twisted, sick son of a bitch he is shown to be in his own book?

In other words ... the Bible contains instructions on how to avoid the eternal fires of hell. God (1) made the rules, (2) created an imperfect human race that he knew in advance would break his rules, (3) created a horrible place [hell] where the rule-breakers would be tortured forever, and then (4) provided them with information (albeit confusing and contradictory) on how to escape the hell that he himself created. Wouldn't it have been a hell of a lot simpler if this all-loving, all-powerful God, by a snapping of his fingers, had just eliminated all of the problems we humans must endure ... instead of giving us this weird, fucked-up book and just hoping we could figure it out?

Biblegod is omniscient; he knows everything. This means that when he created the universe, he saw the suffering that humans would eventually endure (in hell) as a result of their sins. He actually heard, in advance, the screams of the damned. Surely he knew that it would have been better for those humans never to have been born (in fact, the Bible says this very thing about one particular sinner ... Mark 14:21), and surely an all-compassionate deity would have foregone the creation of a sinful human who was (a) destined to imperfection and therefore (b) predestined to suffer forever. I contend that it is not logical that a perfectly compassionate God would create beings whom he knows are doomed to suffer forever and ever, and that this is the most obvious contradiction in your belief system (and the most shocking, revolting, obvious flaw in God's character). What do you think?

Did you hear that just now? It's the crying of a newborn baby. The young mother, her hair wet with sweat, cradles him gently, as tears of happiness fill her own eyes. And up in heaven, your God looks down on this tender scene, on this tiny infant, knowing that it will spend countless eons being tortured in hell. How does God feel right now? How do YOU feel about this?

On March 31, 2006, the Dallas Morning News reported that a man named Robert Stephenson had gotten angry at his ex-girlfriend. He went to her house, coerced her to get into his truck with him by threatening to burn down her house (with her children in it) if she didn't, and then took her to his house ... where he tied her up, hung her upside down, beat her, raped her, and burned her with a blowtorch. He then poured Drano into the burn wounds. After 19 days, she escaped. How is Robert Stephenson any different, morally, from your God (besides the fact that God wants to torture people for much longer than 19 days)?

142. Do you read the Bible the same way you read any other book? If you owned a shop manual that was full of inconsistencies and contradictions, would you keep using it? Are you more willing to forgive the errors and inaccuracies in the Bible than you would if it weren't a "holy book?" Are you in fact making allowances for the imperfections of your God? Are you making special accommodations and excuses for this book, the same way you would for a mentally retarded child? Isn't your Bible a kind of a weird, defective, antiquated thing that you tolerate only because you feel like you have to, because you're afraid of what might happen if you questioned it in a fair, reasonable manner? And isn't it true that FEAR is an integral part of your religion - not fear of evil spirits or of Satan, but fear of God himself (Deuteronomy 6:13, Joshua 24:14, Psalm 2:11, Ecclesiastes 12:13, Isaiah 33:6, II Corinthians 5:11)? Is the Bible something that is occasionally an embarassment to you? In trying to come up with answers to the questions on this page, do you find yourself having to stifle your normal common sense? Do you find yourself saying things like

(a) "God can do whatever he wants to, because he's God" or

(b) "God is holy, and can't allow any sin in his presence" or

(c) "Things are different today than they were in Biblical times" or

(d) "There are a lot of things in the Bible we just don't understand" or

(e) "We just have to trust in God; we have to have faith" or

(f) "We can't always understand God; his ways are not our ways" [this is also true of Charles Manson] or

(g) "That Bible verse must have been taken out of context ... I'll look it up some time" or

(h) "That's just one of those difficult Bible passages" or

(i) "That was back in the Old Testament; it doesn't apply to us" or

(j) "I can't explain it, and I don't really understand it, but I still believe in the Bible, no matter what"

(k) "That's not in the original text. I think" or

(l) "That was Aramaic/Jewish hyperbole, and shouldn't be taken literally" [how can we determine which Bible passages should be taken literally? got a litmus test for us?] or

(m) "That's an example of linguistic extreme, or absoluteness being used to express a preference" [translation: any time God (or Jesus) says something harsh or vicious, it means something else. Otherwise, we'd have proof positive that Biblegod is a hateful bastard] or

(n) "That old canard? I've heard THAT question asked before" [this response beats the hell out of actually answering the question] or

(o) "That's just an ancient expression of Oriental imprecation" [Really? Then don't tell me that the Bible is relevant for modern times!] or

(p) "Behind much of the thought in the Bible lies a peculiarly Semitic idea of a unitive notion of human personality" [words thrown together that mean absolutely nothing ... another Christian nitwit trying to sound intelligent] or

(q) "There's a webpage at http://www.thebible_aint_bullshit.com that answers that question" or

(r) "That passage is meant to be symbolic" [you shouldn't use this tired "apologetic" unless you understand what symbolism is: It's one thing standing for another thing. In the passage where Jesus said, "You can't be a Christian unless you hate your mother" (Luke 14:26), what is your mother symbolic of? What does she "stand for?"]

... when deep down inside, in the common-sense part of your mind, you suspect that the Bible is really a not-too-admirable invention of man — not "the word of God" at all? Do you find that the more you study the Bible, the more you have to engage in "double-think?" If this many legitimate questions existed about an airplane that you were about to board, would you go ahead and make the trip? Or would you wait for the next flight? If you had the courage to be absolutely, 100% honest, would you tell people that you really believe that the Bible is perfect and infallible? If we hooked you up to a polygraph when you made that statement ("Yes, I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God, and it's 100% infallible"), how much would the needles wiggle?

Honestly now ... you claim that the Bible was written by God, the all-knowing infinite supreme being. One would expect the Bible to be chock-full (cover to cover) of wisdom and insight. And yet if you open the Bible at random (ask a stranger to do this ... just flip the book open and put his finger down at random) and start reading, it's a bunch of meaningless nonsense. An example: I just flipped (at random) to Nahum 2:3. Here's what the infinite mind of God wants me to know today: "The shields of his soldiers are red; the warriors are clad in scarlet. The metal on the chariots flashes on the day they are made ready; the spears of pine are brandished."

How could any person with any intelligence at all believe that this book was written by a wise all-knowing infinite transcendent deity?

I challenge you, right now, to take the Random Bible Verse test.

What would it take to convince you that the Bible and its God ARE fatally flawed (assuming you're not yet convinced)? And if nothing could ever convince you, isn't your "faith" pretty meaningless? Isn't it, in fact, mere stubbornness ... which is of the flesh?

Why is it that you employ your critical faculties (i.e., your good common sense) in every aspect of your life other than this one? You wouldn't invest your kids' college savings in a scheme run by a cheesy scam artist. You don't buy the crap they advertise in the infomercials ("Wait! If you call in the next ten minutes ..."). But ... let somebody use the magic word "God" or show you some commandment or assertion in an old leather-bound book (an incomprehensible self-contradictory 17th-Century English translation of a ragtag collection of spurious copies of Greek and Hebrew manuscripts that were collected over a period of 1800 years, and selected from an even larger collection of manuscripts by people that you know nothing about) and, regardless of how patently absurd or preposterous the assertion is, you drop your pants and bend over, no questions asked. Does it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you're allowing yourself to be controlled by ... the wrong thing?

Bonus Question #1: What is it about Biblegod that makes him a male god? Does he have a penis? Does he have a beard? XY chromosomes in his divine DNA rather than XX?

Imagine that someone were to go through the entire Bible and change every reference to God's gender so that he became a female ... a goddess. Every "he" or "him" would be changed to a "she" or "her." Jesus would be quoted as saying, "No one comes to the Mother except through me." (John 14:6) The Lord's [Lady's?] prayer would begin, "Our Mother, who art in heaven ..."

If we did "feminize" Biblegod, how would that change any theological [thealogical?] assertion found in the Bible? How would it make any difference at all ... other than the fact that it would be pretty unbelievable that a mother Goddess would perpetrate all the mass murder and genocide that Biblegod confesses to in his own Holy Book?

Bonus Question #2: In the Bible (Matthew 18:19), it says that if two Christians agree about anything, God will do it. Could you get with one of your Christian buddies and ask God to give me a million dollars? Please?

Bonus Question #3: In Genesis 4:26, long before the time of Moses, we are told that men began to call on "the name of the Lord [ ???? ]." In fact, at Genesis 22:14 (again, long before the time of Moses), Abraham names a place "The Lord [ ???? ] Will Provide." And yet in Exodus 6:3, God tells Moses that previously his name [ ???? ] had been unknown to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. How do you explain this?

Bonus Question #4: Why was "demon possession" so common in Jesus' time, but is hardly mentioned at all in the Old Testament, and is almost non-existent today?

Bonus Question #5: Why did God create so many species only to allow most of them to become extinct before man even existed? What was the point?

Bonus Question #6: If every single copy of the Bible were destroyed (including the copies lurking on personal computers and on the internet), everywhere in the entire universe, would your God still exist? How would you know? And without a Bible, how would you be able to discern his attributes?

Bonus Question #7: Genesis 4:15 records that God placed a mark on Cain — a distinctive identifying symbol. At the time, there were only three people in the entire world. Shit! Didn't they all know each other?

Bonus Question #8: Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). And how did Jesus suggest that one should love himself? Jesus said we have to HATE ourselves in order to qualify to be his disciples [hate our own lives] (Luke 14:26). As a Christian, I am required to hate myself; and I am required to love my neighbor in that same way. Therefore, I should hate my neighbor, right?

Bonus Question #9: Can you prove that the Goddess doesn't exist?

Bonus Question #10: How would you prove that your god exists — without using arguments that someone from another religion would use to prove that his god exists, and without reference to the Bible?

Bonus Question #11: If someone claimed to be the second coming of Christ, what would be your minimum requirement(s) for proof of his identity?

Bonus Question #12: Jeremiah 3:12 reads, "For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever." Fourteen chapters later (Jeremiah 17:4), God says, "Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever." How can his anger be forever if his anger isn't forever?

Bonus Question #13: If a wicked person (an enemy of the faith) should suffer, what would be the appropriate reaction for a Christian? Psalm 58:10 says, "The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked." But Proverbs 24:17 says, "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth." So which is it? Okay to rejoice, or not okay to rejoice?

Bonus Question #14: [May 2006] Zacarias Moussaoui has just been convicted (and sentenced to life in prison) for doing nothing. The crime he committed was NOT stopping the September 11 attacks — not reporting the conspiracy to authorities. Isn't Biblegod guilty of exactly the same crime?

Bonus Question #15: Can God make a burrito so spicy that he can't stand to eat it?

Bonus Question #16: Hosea 8:4 [the King James Version] quotes Biblegod as saying, "They have made princes, and I knew it not." [emphasis added] How can this be, since Biblegod is omniscient?

Bonus Question #17: Imagine that you've decided to hire somebody to remodel your kitchen. You want an honest contractor, because you're going to be spending lots of money.

Contractor A is a Christian. All his workmen are Christians. His truck has the little fishy logo on the side (with the word JESUS written inside it, in case you don't get the reference). He has a good reputation in the community.

Contractor B is a Wiccan. All of his employees are Wiccan. He has a pentagram on the side of his truck. He also has a good reputation in the community.

As you know, if a Christian sins — screws up your kitchen, gets the measurements wrong, paints with the wrong colors, does the wiring backward, takes your money and doesn't complete the work — all he has to do (according to his religion) to make things right is to pray to his god (see I John 1:9). Kaboom, just like that, he's forgiven. A Wiccan believes that he will have to pay for his sins — whatever trouble he causes you, he'll be hit with three times as much trouble.

Question: Which contractor do you trust to do your kitchen right?

Bonus Question #18: Let's suppose that I hate somebody, and I really really want to make him suffer. Let's call him "Jerry."

Let's say that Jerry is a born-again Bible-believing churchgoing Christian. Washed in the blood. His name is written in the book of life ... you get the picture.

So I sit down with him one day (without telling him of my intention to harm him) and ask him to tell me about his conversion experience. He eagerly recounts the whole thing to me - how on June 4, 1983 he was listening to the Miracle Tabernacle Gospel Revival Hour on the radio and the Lord spoke to him, and he fell to his knees and repented and received Jesus as his Personal Lord and Savior, etc. He arose and walked in newness of life. He was a new creation.

The next day, I build a time machine out of a DeLorean and a flux capacitor (remember to bring enough plutonium for the return trip!) and go back in time to June 1, 1983 (taking my dog Einstein with me). I find young Jerry's house and wait outside for him. When he walks out his front door, I shoot him in the head, and he dies instantly ... without Christ.

Question: Will young (dead) Jerry go to hell?

And — when I go back to the future/present, will Jerry be there, since I killed him back in 1983?

Bonus Question #19: The Bible clearly says that the law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul (Psalm 19:7). Yet it also says that the law is powerless to save us (Romans 8:3); if any law COULD save us, then Jesus died for nothing (Galatians 2:21). So which is it? Is the law (a) perfect, and able to convert one's soul, or is it (b) powerless, and incapable of saving us?

Bonus Question #20: Today (March 29, 2007), I went into Google and looked up "Christian contradictions." It came back with 1,220,000 hits. "Bible contradictions" gave me 1,110,000 hits. Yet when I looked for "Pagan contradictions," it gave me only 468,000 hits. Why do you think there are three times more Christian contradictions in the known universe than there are Pagan contradictions?

Bonus Question #21: Satan could not exist unless God had created him. Why would God create Satan? If you were the only being in existence, and you had all the power there was, would you create your own worst enemy?

Bonus Question #22: John 6:66 says, "From this time many of his (Jesus') disciples turned back and no longer followed him." Wow! Do you think there's any significance that "666" is connected to a Bible verse indicating that MANY of Jesus' disciples turned away from him? Isn't this evidence that Jesus is in fact the antichrist?

Bonus Question #23: If you and your Christian buddies are absolutely certain that Christianity is undoubtedly true, why doesn't your church use its Sunday School classes to refute the vast body of skeptical literature?

Bonus Question #24: Jesus was punished for sins that he didn't commit — why do you call that "justice?" If our courts accepted the punishment of someone else in the place of the guilty criminal, we would not say that justice had been done, but that injustice had been added to injustice. Is the church teaching that two wrongs make a right?

THE ABSOLUTELY FINAL QUESTION: Imagine that you could somehow satisfactorily answer each and every one of these questions (okay, I'll admit that some of them are frivolous. Let's say that there are at least 100 SERIOUS questions in the list). How much time and research would it require? What does it tell you about your God that it requires so much time and energy to explain the obvious contradictions, inconsistencies, and outright horrors that appear in his Holy Book?

Most of the faithful don't really care whether or not the Bible is entirely true; they use only the parts they know about and like. Most Christians are familiar only with the few parts of the Bible which other people said were important or inspirational. And a lot of things they think of as biblical are really the inventions of dogmatists, storytellers, and hymn writers — they're not derived from the Bible's actual words (I once heard a preacher say, "It says standing on the promises ... not sitting on the promises!" as if this old hymn were some kind of holy writ).

Eeeewwww:

Texas pastor arrested for dragging girl at camp

SAN ANTONIO (Reuters) - A Texas pastor and a colleague have been charged with tying a 15-year-old girl to a van and dragging her along the ground after she refused to continue an exercise run at a Christian "boot camp," police said on Sunday.

Charles Flowers, senior pastor at the Faith Outreach Center, an evangelical church in the San Antonio suburb of Schertz, was arrested on Friday along with the camp counselor, Stephanie Bassitt, the Nueces County Sheriff's department said in a statement.

The alleged incident took place in June and was reported to police by the mother of the girl, who was hospitalized for unspecified injuries.

According to a copy of the arrest affidavit obtained by Reuters, the girl was participating in a running exercise at the military style "Love Demonstrated Ministries" camp near Corpus Christi when she tired and refused to continue.

It says Bassitt pinned the girl down while Flowers tied a rope around her, tied the other end to the bumper of a van, and dragged her on her stomach "several times."

The camp's Web site, where Flowers refers to himself as the "commandant," says it "strives to prepare young men and women to positively impact their world with the principles of Christ as their foundation" and is "designed to build character and instill discipline, integrity, unity, and morality back into their lives."

The camp, which is operated in both Bexar and Nueces Counties, is aimed at teens with drug, alcohol, and other problems. Some teens are referred to the camp by courts.

Neither Flowers nor the church responded to requests for comment.

Organisers of an evangelical summer camp for children featured in the documentary "Jesus Camp" said late last year they were closing the camp because of negative reaction sparked by the film and vandalism at the camp site in North Dakota.

The Inuit feel that the worst punishment that can be meted out is for the entire tribe to laugh at the offender. Works for me - Hello Kitty!

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Bad Thai cops to endure Kitty shame

BANGKOK, Thailand - Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late — among other misdemeanors — will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

"(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want covering their biceps," Pongpat said.

He said police caught breaking the law will be subject the same fines and penalties as any other members of the public.

"We want to make sure that we do not condone small offenses," Pongpat said, adding that the CSD believed that getting tough on petty misdemeanors would lead to fewer cases of more serious offenses including abuse of power and mistreatment of the public by police officers.

The Legislative branch can cite peons of the Executive branch for contempt all it wants, but the Judiciary branch, now a fully-owned subsidiary of the Executive branch, refuses to carry out its duty and prosecute.

THE NEOCONS HAVE COMPLETELY HIJACKED THIS COUNTRY.

Bush likely to prevent aides' testimony

WASHINGTON, Associated Press - President Bush is expected to claim executive privilege to prevent two more White House aides from testifying before Congress about the firings of federal prosecutors.

Thursday is the deadline for Karl Rove, Bush's top political adviser, to provide testimony and documents related to the firings, under a subpoena from the Senate Judiciary Committee. Also subpoenaed was White House political aide J. Scott Jennings. The Justice Department included both men on e-mails about the firings and the administration's response to the congressional investigation.

White House Counsel Fred Fielding has consistently said that top presidential aides — present and past — are immune from subpoenas and has declared the documents sought off-limits under executive privilege.

The House Judiciary Committee already has approved a contempt citation against two other Bush confidants, chief of staff Josh Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers. The full House is expected to vote on the citation in the fall, but the Justice Department has said it won't prosecute the two.